The other week, I knew I was making a mistake. I knew it as I was making the decision and I knew that decision would negatively impact Jak.
Yet I made it anyways.
Why? I asked myself that a million times as I was making my decision.
I was upset at Jak, and I, for whatever reason, that day felt I didn't have a voice, or felt I didn't know how to use my voice.
Now, in our relationship, Jak has often been the one to fuck up.
I mean, he lied, cheated, betrayed, and stalled recovery with self-sabotage at various points... so he doesn't have the greatest track record, am I right?
Now I'm not perfect - far from it, but in comparison, I don't really fuck up in our relationship.
What I mean is, I don't commit big offenses. I don't put our relationship "in debt".
However, on occasion, I do fuck up (because, duh, I'm human).
That's what happened this past Father's Day.
I mentally was not up for what Jak had wanted to do.
Plus, the fact that I wasn't happy with Jak that day didn't really make me want to go out of my comfort zone for him.
Now, Jak came over, sat next to me on the oversized grey couch, and said, "You need to be accountable."
Hearing Jak say those words to me stunned me.
I was so caught off guard, I laughed! However, I was secretly impressed and even drawn to him more for being so confident in addressing this with me.
He was right.
Days earlier I said I was okay with what we had planned, but as the event came closer and closer, I just couldn't get myself to push through and put on a smile.
My instinct was to get defensive, but I took a deep breathe and said, "you're right," and we proceeded to have an extremely honest, genuine, authentic conversation around what I had been experiencing in the days leading up to Father's day.
In the end Jak was so poignant - he said he wouldn't have been disappointed if I had just been honest with him and let him know.
Now, how ironic is that?
I'd been preaching honesty to him for 7 years now, and there I was, stuck in my own vulnerability and inability to let Jak see me in what I felt was a moment of weakness.
It was quite the conversation and a lesson I won't forget.
I share this with you today to remind yourself that even though we have 7 years under our belt, it doesn't mean there aren't rough days or rocky moments or even some backslides.
Every day we have to continue to make that choice to be out of our comfort zone, to continue building our recovery skills, to continue to choose connection over disconnection.
Every day we have to make those choices.
And even when we fuck up, we own it now.
The lack of defensiveness in our relationship is astounding and so refreshing it sometimes feels a bit magical to have the mature, advanced, communication skills that we have (especially when one of us falters).
But none of that would be possible without us choosing recovery.
Learning from others.
We wouldn't be where we are today, an imperfectly perfect couple that continues to choose each other despite the flaws, quirks, and ups and downs of life.
That is love.
And with that, that's all I've got for you today!
Your partner in this journey,
P.S. if you want to eventually have moments like these be normal in your relationship, I've got some spots open for new clients, so click here to learn more!